Sunday, April 6, 2008

Due Date Blues

Well, it has been a pretty good day here, maybe the calm before the storm. We went to the zoo earlier as it was a beautiful day here in Pennsylvania. Then, Howard and I got to go on a "date" with another couple to watch basketball and have dinner at a sports bar. We did have a great time. I have to say though it is now midnight. It is officially April 6th.

I have talked before about the anticipation of certain dates and how it is often worse than the actual event, but I am just not sure about this one. You see, April 6 was the date that we were given as a due date for Asher. Normally since none of my children have even been born in the month in which they were due I would think of this date as an arbitrary number. Nothing more than an educated guess, but for some reason I am really struggling. I cannot help but think about the fact that my son was due to be born TODAY and has been gone for over six weeks. I never imagined myself here in this place.

When we were given the due date I adjusted it in my mind thinking...yeah right my baby will surely be born in March. Yet, he was born in February. I cannot believe he has been gone for over six weeks. He was supposed to be making his arrival NOW! I had so many hopes and dreams for our son. I will not get to show him off in church tomorrow, I will not be up in the night tonight for late night feedings. I will be at church and I will likely be up tonight but because I am longing to hold him not because he needs to eat.

I offered to make dinner tomorrow for Howard's parents anniversary thinking that would be better, to keep busy, maybe it will be. I don't know. All I know is that my heart is hurting and I just cannot stand the thought of going to church and enduring a family dinner and having everyone avoid the topic of our son tomorrow. So, friends if you see us tomorrow please mention our son. We miss him so much and need to know others are feeling our loss as well. Right now we feel very alone in this. Six weeks may be up but this journey is just beginning. God please help to comfort our broken hearts and use this brokenness for your good!

Thank you so much to everyone who has taken the time to email or comment and share their lives with me! You truly will never know how much it means to know I am not alone despite how lonely I may feel. I love you all!

25 comments:

Anonymous said...

Please know that you are not alone. The amount of pain will always be there, and even though it may ease up a bit, it will always be there. I too, dread the "dates" for Cooper. I have so many that weigh heavy on my heart. It doesnt seem like he has been gone for almost 3 months already. The pain is still like it was the day everything happened. Like you have said, after so long it seems as if everyone expects us to just be done grieving... I never know what to say when someone catches me in a "Cooper moment" Because I dont want them to think that I am "dwelling" on what happened, but I miss my son. And that is my only way to have here with me.

I am sorry, I guess you caught me on one of my bad days. I am sorry that we both have to be going through this at the same time, I wish I could be stronger for you. I dont mean to complain on your blog, and I am sure this makes no sense to the ones who dont know me. I hope you can find comfort in the smiles of your lil boys, and the together-ness of your family. God Bless you. You are wonderful. Hugs to you!

Love Suzie

Trisha said...

Hi Kristy,

I know that I have already emailed you today, but I just read your post...Like I said, you will be in my thoughts tomorrow...your whole family will be. Please know as you work your way through tomorrow, I pray that God will surround you with his peace and calm strength. And though we have never personally met, please know that I will be thinking of Asher tomorrow....and I will speak of him. Even though we are thousands of miles apart...and those who I will speak to are faces you will never see...I want people to know what this little boy's life has meant to me..a complete stranger. I will honor him...because he exists...he always will because thanks be to God, Asher has eternal life. His life and light have not been extinguished...his life transcends all time and space! He is a blessing and although he no longer shares days here, his life and memory lives on in you...and in Howard....and in Luke....and in Ben! Tomorrow, I will lift you up...and I will make sure that I will speak of your son! God bless you friend....

Trisha
San Diego

Emily said...

What a sweet gift for Asher today: six weeks of Heaven! I pray you find some solace, some tiny amount of joy, some silver lining in the clouds today, knowing your son is safe with his brother and the very God we pray to. I know your heart is broken and you are right, this journey has only just begun. But you are glorifying God with every breath and your life is an active testimony of the power of God. Thank you for letting us love your Happy boy and for giving us something to smile about every time we see a "Happy Flower"... He is such a gift to so many. I praise God for you, and for you giving Asher life. Be blessed today.

Laurie said...

Hi Kristy,

My heart is with you this morning and I want to let you know I never forget to ask the Lord to help you each day. I am so sorry that you feel so alone in all of this pain. I have no words that will comfort at a time like this, but please know I miss Asher, I miss waiting for Happy, the hope in waiting for a miracle, praying you through. I know Asher is a miracle, you chose life for him, he only knows love, and he is a treasure I hold dear in my heart. I can't do much, but I can and will continue to pray you through dear friend. You have and continue to teach me so much about how to walk this road with the brokenhearted and how to be honest. I will always be thankful for this and I come to you for encouragement. I love you Kristy and pray for peace for your family today.

Laurie in Ca.

TNKerry said...

You are in my prayers today. I can't imagine your sadness - any day - but especially today. I also couldn't imagine your grief to be gone and I don't think anyone should ever expect you to be done grieving. Grief is a very long and difficult process.

Anonymous said...

You are not alone! I mean look at all the people who visit your blog everyday. We all think of your family everyday. Amy K.

Anonymous said...

Kristy,
When I saw you this morning, I didn't realize what this day was for you. I watched you with Luke and how much he looks to you and loves you...I saw Howard out in the car waiting for you guys while Ben napped in the backseat...it just always feels like you're all not there together...and I don't have any words of wisdom for you here and now but please know what a beautiful family you have here on earth and Isaac and Asher in Heaven, how much you guys are loved and how excited Emmie and Ryan are that Ben and Luke are coming over on Thursday!!! We love you guys and just pray for you tonite. Becky

Meredith said...

You are not alone, nor will you ever be alone. I, like so many others who are total strangers in blog land, pray for you daily. God can do anything and I especially believe God does amazing things when others intervene with prayers on your behalf. Thinking of you in Orlando FL..... God Bless,
Meredith

Anonymous said...

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother
And I know I heard him say.

A Mother has a baby
This we know is true.
But God can you be a Mother
When your baby's not with you?

Yes, you can He replied
With confidence in His voice
I give many women babies
When they leave is not their choice.

Some I send for a lifetime
And others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb
But there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this, God
I want my baby here
He took a breath and cleared His throat
And then I saw a tear.

I wish I could show you
What your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile
With other children and say

"We go to earth and learn our lessons
Of love and life and fear.
My Mommy loved me oh so much
I got to come straight here.

I feel so lucky to have a Mom
Who had so much love for me
I learned my lesson very quickly
My Mommy set me free.

I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep
On her pillow's where I lay.

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
And whisper in her ear
"Mommy don't be sad today
I'm your baby and I'm here."

So you see my dear sweet one
Your children are OK
Your babies are here in My home
And this is where they'll stay.

They'll wait for you with me
Until your lesson is through
And on the day that you come home
They'll be at the gates for you.

So now you see what makes a Mother
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start.

by Jennifer Wasik

Thinking of you always,
Amanda Card

Anonymous said...

I don't know you personally, but I linked to your blog from another, maybe Nate and Trish's. I have been so profoundly impacted by your faith and your story. I have spent most of the afternoon reading past posts to catch up and follow your journey. Someday maybe God will inspire you to write a book, so many need to hear from someone who has been there and who has a faith that has carried or dragged:-) them through. You are an incredible writer!! God is using you in ways you'll never know until heaven. Your honesty about everything, your pain, decisions about birth control, your joy, your confusion...all of it has touched me and taught me so much. Please know that I will be praying for you and your family. Thank you.
Carole

The Mays' said...

Just thinking of you.....Praying that you made it through this tough day.

Love and Prayers,
Ryan, Tiffany, Kylie and Aydan

the*4*of*us said...

((hugs)) I don't know the pain you are feeling and I don't want to, but know that I am lifting you up in prayer tonight.

Rog & Aimee said...

Hi. I do not know you and have just read your blog for the first time. I haven't read anything but this post and was deeply moved remembering my past. I am not one to cry much but reading this post made me give in for once. I probably don't know your loss to the fullest but I have lost two pregnancies to miscarriage. My first was the hardest for me and I too had a hard due date day. It wasn't easy but I tried so hard to remember that our God is good and even in the hard and bad times he is still good and sovereign. May you continue to glorify God during your hard days and along with the good ones!

So Blessed said...

Praying for you and your family....

T Moss said...

I have been reading your blog for severaly weeks and I am always touched by your faith. I am also moved by the honesty you write in your story. Your family has endured so much more than I can ever understand. Praying for all of you.

Chrissy said...

Your Asher went to Heaven on a 22nd and my Eva on a 23rd. We can share these dates as well as the heartache, okay? I feel your pain Kristy. I too know how bad it hurts. Although our stories are different we both share the same loss of a precious little one who left our arms way too soon. I love you! Thinking of you and thinking more of Asher on this April 6th, 2008...Call me tomorrow if you feel "up to it" and if I feel "up to it"...I'll answer or vise versa. You know how that goes...Love you girl! Thinking and praying for you!

Zac and Jenny said...

Kristy-

I know we haven't met... and we've only emailed once... but I wanted you to know that I've been thinking of you and Asher today.

In "honor" of Asher's due date, my little boy, Bryant, and I planted flowers in your families honor. When I saw the flowers they made me smile. They made me think of purity, innocences, friendship and love.

As spring and summer continue to move upon us, I will think of you and Asher each time I see the flowers bloom. I will also think of my own family and remember that even though life may sometimes get tough, I am blessed to have my husband and my son.

Fondly,
Jenny

Jessica mommy to Alex/ RTS said...

Praying for you today, and tomorrow:)

Trisha said...

Still thinking of you, dear Kristy. I thought of you all day...My daughter and I had a long talk about Asher today...My daughter in all her eight years admires you...she admires that you allowed Asher to have his time here...on God's terms. She thinks that you "rock." Even an 8 year old gets it...praying for you...here for you.

Trisha

Destini said...

I wanted to let you know that along with the many other people, I am praying for you. I know that I have no magic words to help in your grieving process and have no great insight into what you are experiencing. I did have 3 c-sections and know how important it is to give your body the chance to heal. You may be okay on the outside, but it takes the inside a long time to heal. I, too, overdid it quite a bit. I felt that I had to be superwoman and bounce right back after each of my pregnancies. The end result was an aweful lot of scar tissue, which makes for some trouble later on. I have been so touched by your posts. I thank you for sharing such intimate details with us on your thoughts and feelings. I have always struggled on how to minister to someone who has lost a child.
I am praying that God continues to fill your heart with his spirit and his goodness, and that as you go through your days you will continue to see little things that remind you of your boys and that God would provide comfort and grace.
I pray for your family and friends as well, that God would give them the widsom and discernment to know what you need...whether it is a hug or some time to yourself or to hold you when you cry.
It never ceases to amaze me how such tiny feet can leave such huge impressions on our hearts.
Again, I will continue to pray for you and your family.

Melissa Dovel said...

Kristy,

You know I have to be "nosey" and read ALL of your comments. Its so awesome to see that the Lord has a purpose for every poster (that I can see). I do want you to know that while I only know you through your blog- I feel like I have a special part in this cause the Lord has placed it on my heart. Yesterday (hubby has cronic illness) I had my yard guy come and my yard is FULL of dandelions. Ever since you posted about that being Happy Ashers flower I have been draging the feet on calling in needing the grass cut. Keep in mind I live in Texas and we have been mowing for several weeks now:) So the association called (oopsie) and asked was everything ok- aka CUT YOUR LAWN:) So when the guy got here who hardly speaks english I asked him to leave me a patch of dandelions cause its a special memorial to a friend. He said yes about 4 times:) So I am thinking I have no idea what im going to end up with SO heres the blessings I have a growing Crate & Myrtle blooming and he left the sweetest little circle around the tree:) This is my long version of letting you know that even though I only know you on here I think of you and your family every day. I pray that you dream of Asher and Issac and that it brings you happiness- I know it blesses me when I get to feel my mom again that way:)

Love you Girl!
Melissa

Suzanne said...

You don't know me, but I want you to know that all of us in blogger land haven't forgotten Asher. My prayers are with you.
Suzanne

Two blessings from above said...

I can't imagine the pain you are going through.Praying for you and your family that you will find peace.

valerie said...

I know I'm a day late posting this, Kristy, but I wanted you to know that I was praying for you and your family yesterday. I did realize that it was Asher's due date and you were on my mind many times throughout the day. Thinking of your whole family today- all 6 of you!! God bless!

Kim said...

Oh how I am sorry for your pain.
I cannot imagine all you have and are going through. I am sorry for your "due date" with baby Asher.
Know how many of us think you and your family are so special and all the prayers said for the Bolte Family 6.