Now I am sure that no one posted a comment with the intent of hurting or offending me but I have to say I am frustrated with some of the comments. I posted what I posted to be lifted up and to share with you the intense pain I am feeling. Pain that I am entitled to! Unless someone out there has gone through my exact journey I do not feel that you can judge how I should or should not be feeling and healing. I thank you all for your concern, but I am not depressed. I do not need to "seek professional help" unless you are referring to God or be medicated, at least not at this point. My baby died seven short weeks ago. My world has been rocked to it's core and I have every right to be confused and hurt. NO ONE expects to bury their children. Yes, this is the cross I have to bear and I do believe my boys were gifts and blessings...I have explained all of that! I am thankful that God chose me! For those who TRULY know me, know I am still functioning. I get up each morning and take great care of my boys who are here on earth. We go to dinner, go to the grocery store and rake leaves, all of the normal things families do. I am just doing all of those things with a heavy heart which is completely normal! Heck, I was able to get on stage in front of over one thousand people this weekend and teach that Jesus loves everyone and worship the God who is walking with me each and every step of the way.
To say that God would reprimand me for focusing so much on myself and my boys in Heaven rather than the boys he gave me here I believe is completely unfair. I do not take any moment in this life for granted and probably have a better understanding of what is TRULY important than many. I am not living in the land of the dead nor am I focusing ALL of my attention on Asher and Isaac, but they ARE my sons and they deserve my attention! So I WILL NOT quit looking at the dandelions. Dandelions are a gift just as my boys are a gift. They are given by God and by looking at them I AM looking toward Heaven. I have done this once before...there WILL come a day when all of this balances out. God is working in and through our family and we will continue to be used by him in any way he sees fit.
I apologize for feeling that I need to defend myself but I guess I just want you all to know I AM OK! I am just hurting! My boys here are still well cared for and loved, they have been the best medicine for me. We do lots of fun things (aside from today, Ben has had a 103 degree fever) Nothing makes me smile the way they do. They ARE my reason for getting up each morning. I decided to be vulnerable and expose some of my inner thoughts and perhaps that was a mistake, but then again I got many more amazing and uplifting responses than frustrating ones! Today has been a better day and ups and downs are to be expected. I thank all of you for being there for me in the ups and in the downs. I never claimed to be perfect or even anywhere close to it. I am human and I know that Isaac and Asher are being well cared for, but I AM still a MOM and I still hurt and God says "blessed are those who mourn" that is what I am doing. These are God's instructions. Mourning is not a neat and tidy process. Sometimes it is ugly and messy. The thing is that because I know God is in control and will bring me through this and use all of my pain for His good, I can grieve with HOPE!
As you pray for me tonight I also ask that you pray for my dear friend Melanie and her family who I have shared with you before. They just had baby Rachel yesterday, she has spina bifida and had surgery last night. Mom and baby are doing well, but it is tough for Melanie to be in a different hospital than Rachel who is at a Children's hospital. Please pray for Rachel to remain infection free and for Melanie to heal and rest so that she can be with Rachel very soon! They have a website and I am sure would love your prayers...the site is.. http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/rachelmischler leave them a message if you can! Rachel is going to amaze everyone and we are sure God has magnificent plans for her!
Thank you all for continuing to pray for us and lift us up! You are such an important part of Isaac and Asher's stories! We love you!