Wednesday, April 16, 2008

I need to order that "Be nice to me...." T Shirt!

Ok, so I have had a few days of being really down. Actually the first REALLY down time since all of this happened. I debated all weekend about posting my true feelings and finally last night decided that if I am being authentic here and if I believe that at times when I cannot bring myself to pray for myself my dear friends here could help carry me, that I should be honest and allow those who choose to pray to pray specifically. I will say that just getting it out helped immensely.

Now I am sure that no one posted a comment with the intent of hurting or offending me but I have to say I am frustrated with some of the comments. I posted what I posted to be lifted up and to share with you the intense pain I am feeling. Pain that I am entitled to! Unless someone out there has gone through my exact journey I do not feel that you can judge how I should or should not be feeling and healing. I thank you all for your concern, but I am not depressed. I do not need to "seek professional help" unless you are referring to God or be medicated, at least not at this point. My baby died seven short weeks ago. My world has been rocked to it's core and I have every right to be confused and hurt. NO ONE expects to bury their children. Yes, this is the cross I have to bear and I do believe my boys were gifts and blessings...I have explained all of that! I am thankful that God chose me! For those who TRULY know me, know I am still functioning. I get up each morning and take great care of my boys who are here on earth. We go to dinner, go to the grocery store and rake leaves, all of the normal things families do. I am just doing all of those things with a heavy heart which is completely normal! Heck, I was able to get on stage in front of over one thousand people this weekend and teach that Jesus loves everyone and worship the God who is walking with me each and every step of the way.

To say that God would reprimand me for focusing so much on myself and my boys in Heaven rather than the boys he gave me here I believe is completely unfair. I do not take any moment in this life for granted and probably have a better understanding of what is TRULY important than many. I am not living in the land of the dead nor am I focusing ALL of my attention on Asher and Isaac, but they ARE my sons and they deserve my attention! So I WILL NOT quit looking at the dandelions. Dandelions are a gift just as my boys are a gift. They are given by God and by looking at them I AM looking toward Heaven. I have done this once before...there WILL come a day when all of this balances out. God is working in and through our family and we will continue to be used by him in any way he sees fit.

I apologize for feeling that I need to defend myself but I guess I just want you all to know I AM OK! I am just hurting! My boys here are still well cared for and loved, they have been the best medicine for me. We do lots of fun things (aside from today, Ben has had a 103 degree fever) Nothing makes me smile the way they do. They ARE my reason for getting up each morning. I decided to be vulnerable and expose some of my inner thoughts and perhaps that was a mistake, but then again I got many more amazing and uplifting responses than frustrating ones! Today has been a better day and ups and downs are to be expected. I thank all of you for being there for me in the ups and in the downs. I never claimed to be perfect or even anywhere close to it. I am human and I know that Isaac and Asher are being well cared for, but I AM still a MOM and I still hurt and God says "blessed are those who mourn" that is what I am doing. These are God's instructions. Mourning is not a neat and tidy process. Sometimes it is ugly and messy. The thing is that because I know God is in control and will bring me through this and use all of my pain for His good, I can grieve with HOPE!

As you pray for me tonight I also ask that you pray for my dear friend Melanie and her family who I have shared with you before. They just had baby Rachel yesterday, she has spina bifida and had surgery last night. Mom and baby are doing well, but it is tough for Melanie to be in a different hospital than Rachel who is at a Children's hospital. Please pray for Rachel to remain infection free and for Melanie to heal and rest so that she can be with Rachel very soon! They have a website and I am sure would love your prayers...the site is.. leave them a message if you can! Rachel is going to amaze everyone and we are sure God has magnificent plans for her!

Thank you all for continuing to pray for us and lift us up! You are such an important part of Isaac and Asher's stories! We love you!


Lisa said...

ALL of your boys are blessed to have you for their Mama, Kristy. No one who knows you, or who has truly felt your heart through your words would EVER question that.

Love, Lisa

happy gram said...

i can't believe anyone would consider that you are suffering "post partum depression" that has nothing to do with the loss of asher. really? having a baby die IS DEPRESSING but it doesn't mean you will stay in that state. i've read that rather than getting over it within a few months that it is not unusual for it to take 2-4 years. not without moments or days of joy and brightness and not saying you will ever "get over it"....just listen to your friends who know you and love you and support you on this journey. jan

Anonymous said...

You don't know me but please know that your recent posts have been amazing(they all are but especially these recent ones)!!! I have been in awe of you and your journey. Please don't let some crazy people stop you from using this blog to be truly honest about your feelings. You need it and we need to hear the truth about grief. So many out here identify with so much of what you've written. I know you have said that God will use this for his glory but He already is! Trust me, everytime you write, someone is feeling a tug toward our God because of your willingness to be real. I pray for you throughout the day. Thank you for what you've done for me.

Christa said...

Kristy...I just wanted to say that I was SITTING on my fingers when I saw those comments. I wanted to type an angry response...but I held my "tongue".

I want to say that I think you are doing a FANTASTIC job. I don't know what people would expect from you 7 weeks later, but I think you are one of the strongest women with the strongest faith I have ever seen. There were days after my many, many miscarriages where I did not want to leave my bed. I wanted to black out the windows and sob in my bed for days, and I never lost a baby that I held in my arms so I consider your loss much greater. I remember being so overwhelmed with grief after my 4th miscarriage that I broke down sobbing at mops at the sight of all the new babies.

I think it's a testament to your amazing faith that you are even functioning at all... let alone continuing to mother your boys and keep up with housework. Don't let anyone's comments make you feel bad. There is a good side and a bad side to the internet. Unfortunately people have less compassion behind a computer screen.

Your emotions are normal and healthy (in my humble opinion). You are an amazing mommy, don't let anyone make you feel bad for grieving.

I wish I could hug you. Sorry for rambling.

Jane-Jane said...

still praying for you!

The Pittsburgh Hites said...

You know that I agree with Lisa, 100%! You are allowed to feel anything you want to feel, no one can ever understand exactly what it's like to be in your shoes! Depression my umm, butt! (I'll keep it clean!) You are an amazing woman, don't ever doubt that. Depressed people don't get out of bed, don't work so hard to keep life normal for their other children, or care about anything but themselves. YOU, my friend, care more about everyone else in your world than yourself. Take all the time you need, cry when the mood strikes you(i know it's hard to do when taking care of Ben and Luke) and just take it a day at a time!!
Keep reaching out to all of us when you need us, and we'll keep lifting you when you don't seem to have the strength to get up yourself! I'm praying for you tonight, praying the lord calms you, and praying for Ben, poor baby!! We all love you and can't wait to see you next weekend!
LOVE, Ginger

allison said...

I am so sorry that you received comments like that! I only know you through your blog, but I have been amazed at how well you are handling things. I cannot begin to imagine what you are going through. My mom lost a baby a few hours after he was born and I know that her heart has not fully healed, and he would be 32 years old today. Everyone feels this differently, I know my mom and dad certainly dealt with their grief differently. It made for some tough times, but it seems to me that you and Howard have such a great foundation that you will make it through this valley holding hands as you reach your next peak. I only wish that my mom had a support group like you have to help her through.

Please keep sharing anything you feel comfortable sharing! I'm continuing to praying for you.


Kim ( said...

Sweet Kristy,
Thank you for your recent posts - you are an amazing woman, friend and Mother. Reading your words is so helpful to me and I think we HAVE to be authentic in what we write, God is using us. There are so many people hurting out there who need to see that just cause we love Jesus, trust Him and Praise Him for everything doesn't mean we are supernatural and do not have deep wounds that seep at times. That's just real and it's a testimony that people need to hear to truly know God and how he can and will restore. To never hurt again?...absolutely not. This is something we will never get over....something that we will never understand...but we will keep trusting and keep doing the best we can. You have every right to feel like you do, work through it like you do. You do what you need to do.
I am sorry there are ignorant people out there. Keep in mind, MOST people are truly just ignorant and do not know how to handle these things. They try to say the right things or say nothing at all, and try to help but they just do not know how. It hurts I know...someone says something almost daily but...they just don't know. I think every church should have a program to talk about grief (reference Jared's most recent blog on Jonathon Edward's blog). People just do not get it.....I know I didn't until Mary and that is one of the things I am thankful to her for, so I can be more sensitive and knowledgeable of grief and how everyone's is sooo different.
I love you friend, I pray for you and's still hard for me to pray for myself but I will lift you up! Let's just keep being there fore each other. I don't know what I would do without you and our other sisters in Christ.
Sweet Dreams......of all 4 of your sweet boys!!
With love,

So Blessed said...

I am praying for you...

amy said...

Dear Kristy,
I don't think I've commented here before and I honestly cannot remember how I stumbled on your blog. I would just like to say that you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers daily. I am so sorry that you feel you have to defend yourself. You have experienced a huge loss that I cannot imagine. Grieving is NORMAL. Writing about it is theraputic. Hang in there.

sumi said...

Please keep writing as honestly and openly as you have, Kristy. There will always be those who don't 'get' it but you are a blessing to me!

I have been told to seek counselling myself and my question is: What for? I am not depressed either. My soul is in uproar because I had to kiss my little girl goodbye 8 weeks ago and I need to do what David did: lift my soul up to the only one who can bring healing and hope. Nothing more, nothing less.

God is called the everlasting Counsellor in the bible, surely he can counsel me through this better than any man can. (There are times we may need to seek counselling but I don't feel that is what he wants from me now and I resent the pressure to do so.)

You are grieving honestly and Jesus loves that: He desires truth in the inward parts, and he seeks those who will worship him in spirit and in truth.

Blessings, girl. Keep holding on to Jesus.

~ Sumi

Trisha said...

Well said, Kristy. That's all I will say...well said. Still praying and thinking of you...and respecting you even more for allowing all of us strangers to "see" you in such a vulnerable place. You are courageous for laying it all out...No one can put a timeline on your grief or how that grief manifests itself...I respect you tremendously and think that you are walking this walk with such grace...hold your head up high, dear friend. As I lift you up, I will lift up your friend Melanie. My nephew was born 11 years ago with Spina Bifida. It was a surprise to my sister-in-law as she never performed the AFP test. Zach is now a thriving 11 year old who plays sports and is very involved in Boy Scouts. It was an emotional road...he will always live with some issues related to his defect, but he thrives, embraces his "condition," and sets out to prove to all that there is nothing that he can't do. I know what your girlfriend is going through....I will pray for her and her child. In the meantime...God bless you sweetie!


Pete, Alison and Charlie said...

Hey Kristy,
Just wanted to drop by and say hello, and to let you know that you are in my thoughts and prayers more often than you would believe. I check your blog a couple of times a day, and feel for you so much. I do understand how you are feeling - even five and a half years down the line from losing our first son Will, there is still a gaping 'Will-sized' hole in my heart. The pain will always be there, Kristy, but the gaps between the truly awful days will get longer, and you will learn new ways to cope with them when they do arrive. As always, sending you lots of love from one mum who knows, to another. Keep hanging in there. XXX

Anonymous said...

Kristi I just got through reading your post! My god how can people think that of you. I was at church last night and I want you to know I lifted you and your family up in prayer. Look to everyone who has something neg to say. I lost my baby 8 months ago and I am still grieving i also have two beautiful girls here with me. There is nothing wrong with the way Kristi is feeling, I still feel like that time to time. It just takes time and no Isaac nor Asher will never be forgoten. Hang on in there Kristi I am here with you for the ride! Your faith is awesome it is helping me also how strong you are!

Love, Tiffany

Anonymous said...

Yesterday, I saw dandelions for the first time this spring and instantly thought of you and Asher. Your posts have reminded me of how precious life is and that the beauty of life shouldn't be taken for granted. Thank you.

Sheryl said...

I have been so blessed by your recent posts. I love your honesty and raw emotions. They are your reality right now. And you are entitled.

As I'm sure has been said over and over, sometimes people have no idea what to say and it is then, that they probably should say nothing. Except that they are praying.

I've said this to you before - I have NO understanding of what you are feeling, just my own experience. (which is nothing like yours) If one more person tells me to focus on what I have to be grateful for instead of the pain...I think I will scream.

Okay, this is not about me. God won't let you and your family out of my mind - so I continue to pray as HE leads. And please, keep writing.


Jessica mommy to Alex/ RTS said...

I ust love how dandilions remind me of you and your boys. Saw some at soccer practice yesterday, and said a prayer for you.

Laura said...

You keep talking Kristy! Keep being whoever you need to be right now! You are moving forward but NOT moving are a strong mama who loves all of her boys with a fierce love. Only that kind of love can bring this kind of intense grief when they are not in your arms. I am praying for you....

Stephanie said...

I've never commented before, but read your blog daily and pray for you. I am furious that people left comments that we not comforting and uplifting, that was just uncalled for.

Please know that many of us appreciate your honesty, admire the strength you have, and are blown away by the faith you show in God. I'm a pastors wife, and I'm not sure I could weather a storm like yours with such grace. You truely are amamzing, and I hope you continue to share with us so honestly!

The VW's said...

I'm sorry that some of the comments posted gave you grief! This blog is a great way for you to express your feelings and deal with your loss. I hope that you don't feel that you can't write with such honesty, because I'm sure that it helps to do so and I believe that you are helping others, as well, by doing it!

You are a wonderful mother and ALL of your boys are blessed to have you! Hang in there! Prayers continue for you daily! God Bless You!