Friday, April 4, 2008

In a fog...

Today I have been kind of in a fog. I am trying to get things organized for the March for Babies and I worked on that stuff a bit today but otherwise I tried to take it easy so that my physical healing can take place. It is no coincidence I am sure that I have been told to slow down even by the doctor. As I mentioned, I busy myself to try and dull the searing pain I feel. Yet, I feel God is telling me to knock it off! Still, he is telling me to be still. He is telling me it is okay to be sad and to cry and feel the hurt I feel so deep in my core. I continually try to shove it away as I want to remember my beloved sons fondly and with a smile. I forget though that, that cannot happen until I go through the work of grief. The shortest verse in the Bible is "Jesus wept." If Jesus did it it is surely ok for me to do it. I think we often forget that tears too are a gift from God.

I know often I wonder how God could allow me to hurt so deeply. I have been shaken in this life repeatedly. I must however remember that he never promised that we would not feel pain or sorrow. What He did promise was that he would be there every single step of the way and that He would hold me safely in the palm of his hand through the storm. What God promises is a life full of happiness and free from sorrow or pain. That life He speaks of is our eternal life. I am coming to realize that we often put all of our eggs in one basket so to speak and become too tightly bound to the things of this life and earth. Our eyes need not be focused on things of this earth, but rather things of Heaven! I have been truly blessed beyond measure. I got to have two beautiful baby boys who are now with their Heavenly Father. But I also get to have a fantastic husband and two amazing little boys here on earth. Through them, each and every day God shows me glimpses of miracles and true blessedness.

Tonight we ran some errands and we allowed the boys to wear their prized Batman PJ's outside of the house since they would not be getting out of the car and it was not worth the battle to pry them off of them. Luke thought that was SO cool. He was so happy. On the way home he was sitting in his carseat evidently rubbing his earlobe. He blurted out, "Wow mom, part of my ear is as soft as Asher's skin." My heart literally stopped. I asked him to repeat himself and he did. I had certainly heard him right. I had been hurting so much lately because no one mentions Asher anymore. Our six weeks was up today...grieving period over. Time that we should be back to normal. Or so people think. It truly made my heart leap knowing that when Luke felt his soft earlobe the first thing he thought of was his little baby brother. He remembered! The softness of his skin brought back memories of Asher's soft skin. I am utterly amazed. Tonight as I head to bed, my heart is overflowing, overflowing because God always knows what I need and He always provides. It is seldom in a way I would expect but always marvelous. I am so thankful for each of my boys. I am so proud of Isaac and Asher for the impact they have made on our lives as well as MANY others. I am so thankful for Benjamin who ALWAYS makes us laugh at the moment we need it most. His silliness is so appreciated (most of the time). I am thankful for Luke and his tender heart. He is such a sensitive little man and always takes such good care of his mommy. He always knows just when I need certain words or thoughts or a hug or kiss. I am thankful for my husband who is my rock to lean on when I am too tired to stand on my own. I have never known a love or friendship like the one we share. And I am also blown away by our amazing friends who have lifted us up each and every day with prayers and just being there!

God is Good!

7 comments:

Jessica mommy to Alex/ RTS said...

I can tell your Luke does have a sweet spirit about him. that is precious, I pray his ears always remind him of his baby brothers soft skin:)

Zac and Jenny said...

You have amazing kids... All four of them!

I'm so glad that Luke remembers Asher in such a sweet way. It warms my heart...

Fondly,
Jenny

Pete, Alison and Charlie said...

You write so beautifully, Kristy. Your words gave me goosebumps! Still thinking of you so much as the days go by. With love XXX

Rebecca said...

And how cool is it that Luke, when asked to repeat himself, DID. So many adults would have apologized, sorry that they'd mentioned Asher's name... thinking you were upset... when that's what you WANTED!

God love Luke...

:)

Rebecca

Laurie said...

Kristy,

I am thankful for you. You teach me so much about life through loss. I think of "Happy" Asher every day and ask God to be with you and help you through. I ask Him to still you so that you can heal. Luke remembering Asher in the softest way, well my heart just melts to read that. You assure me that as you are in the deepest of pain, you are surrounded by the softest love in your family. Praying daily for you to be still and comforted.

Love, Laurie in Ca.

Lisa said...

Can i tell you another cute story like yours?
Last week I was feeling like everyone was forgetting too (it's been 3 months since Amryn died) when I got a package in the mail from a 4 year old boy (son of a cousin) He was thinking that I must be crying everyday and am sad, so he sent me a new toothbrush, since that is what always makes him happy! Isn't that cute!? And it made me happy to know that I am not alone.. others are still feeling our pain, both old and young!

bookworm said...

And can I add my story too?

It has been 8 weeks and 2 days since my daughter Tabitha was stillborn. Yesterday, out of the blue, my 3 1/2 year old niece gave me the tiniest little piece of paper with a little scribble. Then she said something like "Aren't you going to read it? It says--this is to remind you and Gideon of your little baby Tabitha and so that Gideon remembers his baby sister." (Gideon is my 2 1/2 year old son)

I love that your son Luke remembers the softness of Asher's skin and that he was so excited about his discovery of his own reminder.

(and Lisa, I love your story about the toothbrush--Gideon gives me his trucks to make me feel better)

Hannah