Trying not to be deceived...

Though He slay me, yet I will hope in Him. - Job 13:15

Because I know who I believed. - 2 Timothy 1:12

As I have written, I have been having a tough time of things lately. I know God is in control and I am trying desperately to be obedient and bring Him glory. I know these things and yet I still often times do not FEEL God comforting me. It is crazy because sometimes it hits me for no good reason. I will be having a pretty good day and then all of a sudden BAM it is like getting punched in the gut and getting the air knocked out of you. I try so hard to put on a brave face and I think for the most part on the outside I probably look like I am doing better than I feel on the inside. Looks can certainly be deceiving.

Lately I feel like I have been fighting a battle. I have found myself getting caught up in lies...lies that are certainly not from God in fact I think they are coming from the opposite. I find myself thinking..."if God loved me, He would protect me from this" or maybe we should have put him on life support. Maybe we didn't give God the chance to perform His miracle. I think, I wish I would have held him tighter or kissed him more. I wonder why God is not revealing himself to me in a bigger way.

Then I am reminded that God is not just in the big stuff sometimes he reveals himself in such subtle ways that we miss them if we are not paying attention or are too wrapped up in ourselves. He is in EVERYTHING. There are no accidents in this life. It was no accident that we were chosen to be Isaac's parents and Asher's parents. We were just as chosen for them as we were for Luke and Ben. I need to remember that. My eyes will remain fixed on God. He has given me a heavy cross to bear, but it is mine nonetheless. This was NO accident God CHOSE us for this. All of the second guessing in the world will not bring my boys back. Their days were numbered before they were born. My circumstances are ever changing but God is the same. These thoughts are not coming from Him. They are sneaking in ever so slowly to try and turn me away from my God and I REFUSE to let them. God has carried me this far and he will certainly not turn from me now. The trick is to be still and listen for him. I am still not very good at that. But I am trying. I expect God to show up in a burning bush or something obvious, I mean he did it for others :-) could he be a little less subtle with me. But then I think...maybe I am just not paying attention. So my prayer for today is that I will keep alert and quiet waiting for God's prompting. I really am feeling that GREAT things are coming our way if we remain humble and obedient.

Tonight I went to the monthly Empty Arms meeting here in our area. It is a support group for families who have lost babies. It is a really wonderful group of people and it is always a comfort to get to chat with others who understand. It is kind of like a club. A club that no one wants to belong to but once you are in, there is no going back. It is strange how a group of complete strangers can talk about such personal events and feelings so openly. At every meeting we laugh and we cry, we run the gamut of emotion. I look around the room and see a group of wonderful moms and dads who have also been chosen by God to be the parents of children who die too soon. They are all wonderful caring parents who want their babies and are truly brokenhearted without them.

I have been so blessed by each person in that group. They all have taught me different things. I am especially thankful tonight that God brought me to this place. Tonight I was able to meet for the FIRST time another mom who had a baby with microcephaly. Her little girl was so beautiful. She shared pictures with us and they were gorgeous. Asher died just days before her little girl. She spoke of her little girl with such love, an amazing mom for sure. I also was blessed to be able to sit with Suzie, a friend from high school who lost her little guy Cooper three months ago. Her circumstance is different in that her baby was completely healthy until a stressful birth situation. Her husband is stationed in Iraq and she is being forced to walk this journey without him by her side. My hope is that I will be able to be there for her in some small way. I also got to catch up with a couple of other amazing ladies who have lost babies and are continuing to grow their families through birth and through adoption. I can truly see God working in and through all of these women and I am so proud to know each of them.

Just being able to chat with other people tonight who truly understand the heartache was very healing for me. They are never afraid to mention my boys or ask questions. They never try to come up with magic words to comfort me as they know there are none and a hug speaks volumes. Tonight I FELT God. I felt him through the people he brought into my life tonight. He knew I needed that. He always knows. Though I have been chosen to bear an unbelievably heavy burden, I will continue to HOPE in Him. I am feeling very excited tonight as I can feel his arms around me and I have this feeling He has BIG plans for the Bolte family and I am so up for the challenge! Please continue to pray for us as we see what God has in store for us. Please pray that we are able to be still and wait for God to prompt us and pray that we are able to stand strong in Him and cast out the negative thoughts trying to discourage us.

Thank you so much to those of you who have commented and sent me emails. This week has been my lowest and I have to say today I have been lifted to new heights because of your encouragements and prayers. I am honored that many of you have opened up to share YOUR story with me. I am learning so much from all of you. I am just so humbled by your messages and so proud that my boys are having an impact on many people's walks with God. It truly puts things into perspective for me. I am one proud mama!

God, thank you for choosing our family! We will put our hope and trust in you. We know all our help comes from you and we will continue to praise you for the immense blessings you have bestowed upon this family. We are humbled and honored!