Brokenness

"Jesus took loaf of bread and asked God's blessing on it. Then He broke it in pieces and gave it to the disciples saying, "Take it and eat it, for this is my body." Matthew 26:26

Yesterday at church we celebrated communion. This got me REALLY thinking about brokenness especially on a day when I could not have imagined myself being any more broken. Sometimes I think about my life and I cannot help but think, "ok, God I gave my life to you hoping that you would protect me and keep me from feeling such excruciating pain and yet in the years since I have begun my walk with you I have felt more pain than I had ever imagined."

I try desperately not to feel that way because I don't want a pity party but there comes a point where I do wonder what on earth God is doing! I feel singled out and not in a good way. Communion made me think about how Jesus must have felt as he suffered such pain both physically and emotionally. In addition to the brutal beatings and crucifixion, Jesus must have felt utterly alone. His father had turned his back and allowed him to suffer in a way we can never even fathom. Jesus understands my brokenness. Then I got to thinking of the blessing we now enjoy because of Christ's suffering. I am in awe of Jesus. I must admit that I feel ashamed to be moaning and whining so much, feeling as though I have been forced to suffer in ways many can never understand. I think of Jesus' suffering and nothing can compare to that.

I think of my own brokenness. In our culture we are very quick to throw something out the moment it breaks or is broken. This is not so in the Bible. In the Bible God uses true brokenness. Actually David wrote this in Psalm 51:17 "The sacrifice you want is a broken spirit." WHAT!!?? We should WANT a broken spirit? It seems ludicrous but that is what he says. You see while we generally see something that is broken as useless trash, brokenness is a quality that God looks for. He sees brokenness as usefulness.

Nancy Guthrie describes brokenness in her book The One Year Book of Hope like this..."Brokenness is not the automatic result of experiencing deep hurts. Brokenness is a lifestyle of agreeing with God about the true condition of our hearts. It is shattering self will so hat the life of Jesus might spill out of our lives. It is continually responding to conviction in humility and obedience."

The truth is that I am certainly broken hearted but more importantly I want to be truly broken for if I do not allow true brokenness in my spirit, all of this would be wasted. My prayer for today is that I would allow myself to be completely spiritually broken so that God can use what seems like a horrible unfair tragedy for his good. My biggest fear is that I do not respond in a way that honors God and I allow for this to be about me. The truth is that as much as I am hurting right now it is tempting to just want to cry "why me?" and shut down to God. My prayer is that I keep my eyes on the only one who can bring a new beginning from a sad ending. Only He can turn my mourning into dancing.

The reality and finality of this has finally hit. It took six weeks, but yesterday being the day I should have been rejoicing in my sons birth and instead am mourning his death, it hit and it hit hard. I just want to shut myself in a room for a whole day and cry. That is something I haven't been able to do as I am caring for two little guys who need their mom. I don't want them to worry. I am coming to terms with the fact that I will not EVER again hold Sweet Isaac or precious Asher in my arms and breathe in their beauty this side of Heaven. But I am reminded that I will again see them. It really doesn't comfort me much right now because I want them HERE with me, but I am determined to allow God to carry out His plan.

I am ashamed that sometimes I seem to think that MY plan is better than His. That I know what is best for me. But still, I hurt. So I am asking God to calm the storm that is raging between my head and my heart. I know that our God is Mighty to Save and only he can pull me out of this and bring victory through our pain. Please pray that I would be obedient enough to allow Him. Jesus once said that a grain of wheat is useless if it doesn't fall to the ground and crack open as it cannot produce a harvest unless it is broken.

Getting through this grief process is harder that I had ever imagined especially while caring for two little ones. Some days I get so angry because I feel like I have to take care of everyone else. I just want to go hide and cry for a while and yet I NEVER can. I have YET to be left alone with my grief to deal with it. I barely get a moment for a shower and I cry through that daily. Most days I just have to put on happy face and shove these feelings as deep as possible and it is getting harder and harder to do. I am trying to figure out how to be a mom to two amazing boys in Heaven while still being the best mom I can to the two amazing boys here on earth. Balance is never something I have been good at. God help me!