Well, tonight we took Luke to Preschool Open House. Yes, he IS going to be five this summer and could be going to Kindergarten and Yes, I do believe he is about as smart as they come and could academically handle kindergarten, but after being a teacher myself I have learned that sometimes the younger kids in a class tend to struggle down the road. So we see no harm in just waiting a year and enjoying him one more year here at home. Kindergarten is a full day program here now and I am just not ready to do that yet. So, we are sending him to preschool this coming year and he will go to Kindergarten the following year.
Anyhow, he was so excited ALL day long! Actually he had been talking about it for days. The program is run by a local church here and is just a couple of miles up the road. He walked in and fell in LOVE! There was a calendar and cubbies and a snack table and all the toys a kid could play with. He had a great time exploring and playing. While he and his dad played I filled out the paperwork.
As I sat there filling out the form, I could not help but think, that this was something I would never get to do with Isaac or Asher. The papers I signed for the funeral homes were the only papers I would ever fill out as Isaac's mom or Asher's mom. That is a tough reality. I will never hear them talk non stop about going to school or getting a new backpack (which is Luke's primary concern...not that he will really be needing one) I will never get to sit back and watch them explore a new environment and interact with other children and their new teacher.
This has been kind of a rough weekend. Friday as I said marked eight weeks since we were graced with our Asher for a brief period of time. Sunday marked 2 years and 9 months since Isaac left the arms of his Daddy and entered the arms of his Heavenly Father. And tomorrow April 22 is the date that marks two months since we held Asher in our arms. All of these dates and sometimes I wonder if I will ever have a Friday that doesn't seem overcast with loss I mean Isaac died on a Wednesday and I still think of that on Wednesdays though I no longer count the weeks. Or will I ever have a 20th or 22nd that don't sting with sorrow? Do I even want to?
The crazy thing is that I also rejoice. I rejoice because I grieve EVERY day of my life. I live with a pain that is unimaginable, a deep aching in my heart that never subsides. The only way for me to get through this life is just one breath at a time thanking God for each and every breath, life is a gift. I rejoice in knowing that through my grief God will change hearts. He will allow me to reach others who I never would have been able to reach otherwise and I rejoice because each breath brings me one breath closer to reuniting with my boys. I can grieve with Hope! This is not a sad thing. The sad thing is those who grieve without hope. This hope and joy is something that is free to EVERYONE who will accept it. God is waiting with an outstretched hand. He desperately wants us to choose Him! It amazes me that in this relationship with God, I bring basically nothing to the relationship but he loves me like crazy anyhow and is choosing to use my ordinary family to do extraordinary things! I have been so blessed! I am truly humbled and thankful that God is has chosen the Bolte family to be blessed with such rich treasures! I have a story I want to share soon about how God has used our boys but I am just not quite ready yet. Just know that he is doing AMAZING things!
5 days ago